I could very easily blame it on the weather. Or lack of sleep. Or the dog. Or the heat. Or the kids. But the bottom line (no pun intended) is that I was in a really bad mood, I didn't take care of myself, and I was my typical rude and disrespectful self to Austin yesterday evening.
One of the ongoing symptoms from a rather overwhelming bout of depression I experienced during the winter is insomnia. I normally take half of a sleeping pill to help me get to sleep, but more importantly, to help me stay asleep. Monday night I had the brilliant idea of not taking the sleeping pill to see what would happen. Well... that was not the smartest decision I've ever made. Probably actually not the smartest decision I've made this week. I ended up waking up at least four times and feeling my shoulder pain much more intensely than I usually do. So, come time to get up I was already tired and hurting and it just went downhill from there.
By the time Austin got home I was in a state. I do need to take a moment to point out that he called to tell me he was on his way home so I started the more complicated part of dinner so he could help me when he arrived. He didn't come through the door until at least 15 minutes after he said he would, I was trying to juggle too many things by myself, and I was pissed. I would barely talk to him and when he did explain what happened he said he stopped to talk to a neighbor on his way into the house.
Austin and I have discussed before how much I count on him to say what he means and mean what he says. If he gives me a specific time frame for something I will generally double check with him to make sure he really means it, just so I know I can count on him. Making stops on the way home without telling me is something we have talked about many times, as recently as last week, so I felt especially frustrated and disappointed when it happened again.
After a few hours of edgy silence, Austin trying to take care of me by being sweet, me just feeling horrible in any number of ways, and Austin eventually lecturing me on how important it is that I speak respectfully and kindly to him no matter what, he'd had enough. When he got back from running a few errands (most of the time I sat in the car and either pouted, cried, or listened to him lecturing me) he directed me into our detached garage before we made it to the house and the kids saw us. I got even more pouty and hesitant when I realized what he was doing but he insisted. After another brief statement of how much he loves me and how strongly he is pushing me to change the way I interact with him he whacked my bottom a few times with his bare hand. He is strong enough and practiced enough that it hurt. A lot.
That was all I needed to start sobbing for real. Tired, hot, overwhelmed, frustrated, confused... I just sobbed into his shoulder and felt myself going soft in the way that only happens when I finally let myself surrender to Austin. It doesn't happen very often but every time it does I just wonder why I can't do it more often. Why does it take him getting really upset with me? Why does it take me being completely broken down by just about everything in life? Why can't I just let go and soften, surrender to him, whenever it is appropriate?