I have't told Austin about this blog yet. It seems like a more useful way for me to process things if I don't have to second-guess myself when I am writing, wondering what he might think about it. But it also allows me to write things without having to consider what he might think about it. Kinda like a two-edged sword, I guess.
Of course, now that I've written this, I will most likely tell him about it tonight. He knows, from long experience, that I work things out with words. He has read parts of my old blog and has mentioned that he found it extremely useful. I can tell he has picked up some techniques and phrases that I've experienced in the past so knowing what's going through my head now seems like it can only help.
Yesterday was... Well. Awful. Let's just leave it at that. Even worse than the day before because it wasn't just me in a bad mood, it was everyone in the family. All five of us were angry, annoyed, hot, frustrated, and just about at wits' end with each other. Austin got home late from work because of unforeseen problems with his commute. I lost my temper with my older daughter for pushing me too far on something we go around and around on almost every day. Dinner was late because Austin was late so everyone got too hungry. The two younger kids got in a huge argument that resulted in tears all around and me and Austin arguing in the garage (that has become our go-to spot for anything louder than a normal conversation since our house is too small for any real privacy for disagreements or punishments). A decision Austin made earlier in the day ended up with all of the kids displacing their anger toward him onto me and me being as equally frustrated at them. I had to deal with my ex-husband in a setting I hate, discussing topics over which he has become ridiculously upset in the recent past...
It was a mess.
Austin ended up separating me and the kids, giving me and them good talking-tos in turn, and exhausting himself trying to keep everything from just exploding. I came *this close* to being spanked for talking back to him about his decision to take the kids to ice cream but in the end he opted for a very cogent and forceful lecture instead. I was left at home alone (as an introvert I require alone-time to settle down) while he took the kids out (they needed to be distracted and have the pressure of being in public to get back on track), figured out fitting consequences for everyone (the boy will be doing the younger girl's chores for two days for saying some pretty awful stuff to her; the girls had to make me breakfast in bed for being disrespectful to me), and got the kids off to bed by himself.
Austin has stepped up to not only Head of Household but also parenting in an amazing way this last month. He has created a whole new picture of how we should operate as a family and has worked incredibly hard to make sure everyone starts heading in that direction. The lives of the five people in this house are so complicated - I can't even begin to explain it all - and I know how much effort trying to keep everyone on an even keel takes. Austin not only choosing to commit himself as an equal partner (what I'd been requesting for several months) but then putting himself directly in the line of fire as the leader of the family means as much to me as our engagement. His actions are a very real reflection of his thoughts and feelings, something I haven't often experienced in my life.